IF...What a big little word! During the first two years after my stroke, which occurred in July 2001, I used that little word often. IF ONLY I could get my arm to move. IF ONLY my left foot wouldn't always turn. IF ONLY so on and so on and so on.

Then a funny thing happened to me a year or so ago. One day I realized that IF I had not had a stroke I would not have met some of the finest people in the world. My circle of friends has been greatly enriched by associating with individuals -- stroke survivors and spouses -- who have faced this life shattering experience with courage and humor and compassion, and who I am honored to count as my friends.

IF I had not had a stroke, I would not have been forced to slow down and live each day as a special day. I have learned that today is the present (as in gift) and to work at making that gift the best I possibly can. IF I had not had a stroke, I would not have moved from a very old two story house to a not-so-old one story house near the schools that two of my grandchildren attend.

I would not have the delight of spending an afternoon in my larger kitchen baking Christmas cookies with Zack and Taylor, my two youngest grandsons. In fact, I would have continued my fast-paced, self-involved life and not been able to take time to be a grandma and to get to know my grandchildren. I was programmed to be always on the go, not allowing time for family. IF I had not had a stroke, I would not fully realize what a wonderful life I have had and how truly blessed I am. I would not recognize the goodness in so many of my friends, who have gone to great lengths to be helpful to me. BTS (Before The Stroke) I was very independent, not asking for nor accepting any help as I adjusted to living alone following my husband's death.

I was, in fact, too independent, not accepting offers of kindness and not allowing friends the satisfaction of doing their good deeds. IF I hadn't had a stroke I would still be bravely carrying on, insensitive to those who wanted and even needed to extend their help and kindness to me. I was too self-absorbed to see the unkindness of my refusal to let my friends come into my life. I am humbled to see that my friends stood by, waiting for me to be a friend. I am grateful to them. IF I hadn't had a stroke, they may have grown tired of my insensitivity and looked elsewhere for friendship. IF I had not had a stroke I might never have learned the meaning of the word PATIENCE. I am still working hard to gain that quality but I think I'm getting better at it.

IF I hadn't had a stroke I might not have noticed how kind and compassionate my teenage grandsons have become. They have grown into fine young men right under my nose. I never gave them a chance to display their finer qualities. Fortunately, now that I need them, they are ready and willing to step up and be great help. IF I hadn't had a stroke, I would not have stopped to realize how intolerant and unkind I felt toward persons with disabilities. I am ashamed to recall my impatience and lack of compassion toward those, especially older folks, who didn't move quickly or who impeded my hurried progress in any way. I am trying hard to learn to like myself again after realizing what a jerk I was. IF I had not had a stroke, I might have been a first-class jerk for the rest of my life.

So that tiny little word has come to mean quite a lot to me. As time goes by, if I can be fairly honest with myself, I will probably discover other facets of my life that are better than they would have been IF I had not had a stroke.

Meanwhile, I'll keep working on the patience project.              

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