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On the Eve of My 10th Anniversary |
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by Deb Theriault |
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Taking Inventory Well, it’s
late August and here I am about to “celebrate” 10 years since my last (and
biggest) hemorrhagic stroke. I can’t honestly say that I’m looking forward to
this special anniversary, even though I should be. As with many stroke
survivors, reaching another stroke-related milestone is a bag of mixed
emotions for me. Yes, I survived,
and I’m happy that I did. But at the same time, as I look back over the years
since my event, instead of being overjoyed by having gotten this far, I’m shocked
at the swift passage of time and sad about the perceived lack of progress
that I’ve made since then. So, I decided that I needed to do an “anniversary
inventory,” to identify a few highlights and successes from the past ten
years. This wasn’t
easy for me to do. I’ve been very “sour grapes” during the whole process
because I’ve found that no matter how far we survivors come post-stroke, we often
don’t consider it to be enough. Even though we would like to “reset” things back
to the way they were before our stroke, we know that’s not possible. So, we
struggle to regain our pre-stroke competencies, but then often feel let down
for not doing better. At least, I know I did, so, I had a difficult time
identifying what I would consider “achievements”. Here’s what I unearthed in
the way of my “anniversary inventory” items. Inventory item
1: My
residuals could be worse. I’m lucky that they’re more or less manageable,
so I can do most everything, even though I sometimes do it slower, and bump
into things and stumble around. While I have numbness and tingling that’s bothersome,
it’s not enough to keep me from doing things. I do have balance,
dizziness, nystagmus (“jumping eyes) problems, but my slurred speech and
expressive aphasia / dyslexia / alexia pose the most challenges. I have to
admit that language-related work can be daunting. I do lots of writing (and
speaking), but it takes twice as long to do things because of these language-related
residuals. However, I continue to write; I haven’t stopped even though it’s hard
and takes more time. Inventory item
2: I refuse to give up a sport I love. I’ve
been involved with fencing for forty-plus years, and while I was able to
resume fencing a year or two after I stabilized post-stroke, I haven’t been
able to fence to my satisfaction for many years now because of leg / hip
weakness and balance issues. However, I still fence occasionally. Even if I
can’t fence like I used to, I haven’t given up something that’s played such
an important role in my life. Inventory item
3: I’ve
continued to create, even if I don’t produce masterpieces. In addition to
the above-mentioned residuals, I also have a minor “neglect” on my right
side, which has been problematic when doing artwork (I’ve had professional
art training). However, I can usually offset this with a variety of “tricks”
I’ve learned over time, such as wearing bracelets and a nitrile glove on my
right hand, whenever drawing or painting. These reinforce to my brain that I actually
have a hand on that side, and they provide needed tactile feedback, which gives
me better “brain-to-hand” communication. This was a serendipitous discovery,
a “win” which has enabled me to continue doing art. Inventory item
4: I
continue to garden, even if it exhausts me at times. I’ve written a few
articles for StrokeNet extoling the joys and
benefits of gardening, so it’s no surprise that I continue to work at
gardening, even if I’ve had to cut back. There’s nothing like working with
living things, and watching them thrive throughout the season, but upon
reflection, I realized (believe it or not) that I was taking this activity
for granted and underplaying the very important space it occupies in my life.
I’m not going to quit any time soon. I’m glad to have consciously acknowledged
this. Inventory item
5: I fear
having another stroke, but have had to let it go and move on. One of the
hardest things about being a survivor is the fear of being put through the
same misery again. I always feel the threat of another stroke hanging over my
head (in addition to the one in 2006, I’ve had two smaller strokes). Although
it’s hard to just sweep all the stroke fears out the door, in the end, I’ve had
to reconcile the “uncertain” with what I know to be true: there is no
guarantee that I will never have another stroke, however, there’s no
guarantee that I will, either.
So, I’ve tried to move forward as best I can even if I remain somewhat
skeptical. Bottom line: Do all of the above constitute
“highlights” and successes? They do for me; they’re all I have. I wish I
could say that I’ve had a whole bunch of romantic adventures, and done lots of
“off-the-wall” fun stuff since my last stroke, but I haven’t. My successes are
fairly mundane, but they’re critical to me. Doing my little inventory has reminded
me that despite all of the setbacks, I’ve persevered for the past 10 years. As
for the next 10 years, I’ll try the best I can to prevent another stroke, attempt
to accomplish something each day in spite of my residuals, try to set some
“five-year” goals (which I’ve never done), and do my best to be upbeat, and,
when I can’t, I’ll just fake it. Best anniversary ever. Deb survived her third stroke in 2006. In
addition to her work with the Stroke Network, Deb is Treasurer for the W. Pa.
Division of the US Fencing Assoc., does community gardening in her
neighborhood and is a professionally-trained artist who has been specializing
in figure drawing for many years. |
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Copyright ©September 2016 The Stroke Network, Inc. P.O. Box 492 Abingdon, Maryland 21009 All rights reserved. |
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