By Marty Arlen

Welcome to "Ask Uncle 007." Remember, the advice given is done with tongue in cheek. Please don't take it seriously.

Top 10 reasons men know when it's time to go home from the hospital.

10.  The food portions look larger because the plates become smaller each week.

  9.   The doctor comes in and asks how we are doing and leaves before we can answer. He's fine because he made $200 for doing nothing

  8.   The three female night nurses who take turns dressing you for breakfast are replaced by a real big guy named Winston

  7.   Your roommate loves hospital food and has gas after every meal

  6.    you've watched every infomercial from 2 am - 6am

  5.    When it's time to shower, they put you in a motorized chair and take you to the carwash next door.

  4.    The head night nurse just caught her husband cheating and hates all men

  3.    Your hair and beard are so shaggy, they take you to rehab on a leash.

  2.     Your wife really starts to look good to you.

  1.    Sanity

 Dear uncle 007,

I think I should give up my favorite foods such as chocolate and potato chips. Do you think this is wise?

Craving constantly

Dear Craving,

Give up everything. My wife reads every food label and if it were up to her, we would eat nothing. But I push the shopping cart. Enough said.

In moderation, a taste of something is ok as long as it won't adversely affect your health. I laugh when I think of foods Ii avoid and my father-in-laws eating habits. Doctors constantly advised him to not eat certain foods. He went to Dunkin Doughnuts every morning, had lunch at burger king, and dined on such delicacies as Lobster Newburg, Shrimp Scampi, and Prime Rib. He made it to 92, and outlived most of his doctors.

Think before putting an extra piece of chocolate or the rest of a bag of potato chips in your mouth. Though not as exciting, a stalk of celery or carrot sticks would be better. Nicer to be built for love instead of comfort.

Respectfully,

Uncle 007

E-mail your questions to Uncle 007 at marlen@strokenetwork.org.