By Marty Arlen

This is the first installment of "Ask Uncle 007." Remember, the advice given is done with tongue in cheek. Please don't take it seriously.

When I moved into my apartment, my ditsy neighbor upstairs noticed I walked with a limp and my left arm just kinda hung down. Even though she doesn't have access to the network, she sent me this note:

Dear Uncle 007,

I noticed you have a problem. It appears you had a stroke and was wondering how you got it?

Signed, Ditsy on Top of You

Dear Ditsy,

Thank you for asking. On Sunday, January 12, 2004, I was going through the ads in the Sunday paper looking for some kind of illness to get the sympathy of my wife. Wal-Mart was featuring sexually transmitted diseases, Target was promoting athlete's foot, Walgreen’s was hot on heart disease and Meijer featured senility. Nothing really appealed to me, so I forgot about it until I went to K-Mart the next day. And guess what? The blue light special was on and strokes were the featured item. So I picked up, a fairly mild one. That's how I got my stroke.

Sincerely,

Uncle 007

Dear Uncle 007,

I'm tired of seeing the same cars parked in handicapped parking spaces without stickers. The police don't respond and I need to do something. Any suggestions?

Signed:  Double Parked

Dear Double Parked,

If you don't have a wheelchair, borrow one. Buy a bag of red potatoes (good sized), and ride behind the illegally parked cars, putting a potato in the exhaust pipe. The idiot should be able to go a short distance before the car dies. Then you can laugh.

Or you can superglue a note on the windshield right in the driver's line of vision that reads: "this note was left on your windshield by a real handicapped person who had to find the strength to make sure you understood you are parked illegally. Have a nice day"

With Best Regards,

Uncle 007

 E-mail your questions to Uncle 007 at marlen@strokenetwork.org.